What is the opposite of love? I want to know.

Many people when they meet me have a difficult time dealing with my aggressive nature. Not in a way in which you clutch your purse tighter when I walk by, or like I could threaten you physically, but in some crazy intellectual and argumentive way. Folks, many of you have seen this side. Some of you embrase it, the others just don't understand. But please try. In my life, with every person I meet I wish to gain from your life experiences and knowledge. I could never do it all alone. So thank you to all friends and those who have hyrt me or treated me cruel alike. You have taught me so much and for it I am a better person.

So, why have I decided to blog all this? I was lucky enough to sit down and share a few bottle of wine with my West Coast family whom I lived with during my MTV internship in LA. We eventually began rambling on and my uncle and I started intellectually arguing about what is right? Does right exist? And how the world is so much more complicated than that. I feel he may have been partly offended by my question upon question tommy gun I had been using on him. I quickly had to explain what I had spoken of earlier. I just challenge people in a conversation because I can learn from their opinion. I am like a theif stealing the watch from your pocket as I pick your brain in a conversation. I want to gain from your knowlegde. Well, we agreed to diagre about the "What is right" talk. But, this I did steal from him.

I always thought the opposite of love is fear. But, from fear springs many volitile emotions that require enrergy, passion and commitment. The thin line between love and hate are too close to make them opposites. My uncle had gien birth to an idea I never had on my own. Love and fear, or love and hate are more like second cousins.

The opposite of love...is indifference, apathy, emotional sloth. Call it what you like, but he's right.

Hate is love...gone wrong. In one way or another, its true. Apathy is quite possibly the worst thing in the world.
Anyone who reads this I challenge to post a comment. I'd like to hear what you think. For once I'd like to get something more out of my writtings than carpal tunnel syndrome. Let me hear you.

Good luck...bad luck...who knows.

I just wanted to share with all of you my favorite story, saying, and mantra for my life. I heard it once as a child. It was told by the priest, at the church of the school I attended. It goes some thing like this...

It was fall in China, harvest fell upon the people in this small town and an old man stood on his porch with his son looking across their field. "Father, this year must be the best harvest we have ever had! Our crops grow bountiful and large. We must be so thankful for the good luck we have." To this the old man looked at his son, smiled, and said, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

The next day the two men woke up the sun as they were getting an early start to their day. When the walked outside instead of finding the morning dew garnishing their farm they found their plants trampled, eaten, destroyed. The young man exclaimed, "Father, we have lost everything! We will surely starve this winter. We worked so hard and it was all taken from us. But how angry I am! It is all bad luck!" To this the old man looked at his son, smiled, and said, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

When the next day arrived the young man found his father, sitting on the porch swaying in his rocking chair stroking his long white beard. "Father, how can you rise so early when all is lost?" asked the son not quite awake and aware. At that momentht e son looked out across the field and saw the cause of his fathers contenment. A herd of horses had come down from the mountains in the night and had been the cause of the ruin of their crops. The galliant horses walked slowly, with full bellies, having their way with the toils of the season. "Father, the horses! We can break the horses and sell them at market, they will fetch far more than ten times what our crops would have made us!" All the towns people got word of the old man's good fortune and came to see. "What wonderful fortune you and you son have. You are lucky to have such fine animals for yourselves," said the towns folk. To this the old man looked at them, smiled, and said, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

Because the old man was... well, old the son would have to break all the horses himself. So off he went. He built a pen and spent the whole day gathering the herd and at nightfall started to break in the first of many, many horses. Much to the dismay of both the men he quickly grew tired. "I won't give up!" shouted the young man and mounted the mountain of a horse. At the very next moment the horse grew violent kicking and bucking and threw the young man to the ground with a vorascious thud. All was silent, the young man lay motionless in the mud groaning in agony. He had broken both legs when he landed and the old man hieved and strained to get him into the house to ten to him. "Father, I am sorry, I have failed us both, I am riddled with bad luck." To this the old man looked at his son, smiled, and said, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

Once again the fate and fortune of the old and young man raced across the mouth of every man, woman, and child of the town. One woman exclaimed, "Those two must be cursed. They lose evrything that is important to them. All they'll ever have is each other. Look at us, we have it all." Upon hearing this the son was sadened and shamed. The old man was too but yet to this the old man looked at his son, smiled, and said, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

This story was during a very turbulent time in Chinas history. Invaders from the west had been taking farms hostage, burning crops, and killing the Chinese at will. The govenment knew that they has to strengthen their army to defend their land and people. Official went from town to town removing all young men of age from each and every family. Sons we stolen to be soldiers right out from under their family's cries and hugs. When the Army officials arrived at the old man's home they went in to take away his son. "This boy is a cripple, he cannot go to war!" the official stormed out of the house. Overheard for miles could you hear mothers calling out to their lost sons, and the old man was the only one in town who was able to look at his son, smile, and say, "Good luck, bad luck...who knows."

So, in the big scheme of life when something hurts, look for the good that can come from it. When things are good, work hard to remember and treasure those times. Its only in hindsight will we ever be able to tell... good luck...bad luck... who knows.

Bear Down, Chicago Bears... na na na na na na na na history!

So there I was, Christmas morning, excited and ready. My family and I awoke early with anticipation. I did so first because after 8 mos. away, to spend Christmas morning opening gifts and exchanging laughter would be such a wonderful gift alone, but I also had a day of travel and football ahead of me. I have to say, mom, dad, and by siblings awent all out this year and I am inable to asy that they or any of the gifts I gave or received left any disapointment. It was one of our greatest Christams's ever! I was home from the desert, Dad is on the road to recovery, Mom's buisness has taken off, Keara has gotten her dream job and is finally moving out, Neil is nearing his end of his Master's program, and Casey is at her final semester at Marquette.

Success was as plentiful as the joy and presents...that alone was gift enough.

But I had a game to look forward to. No time for stories of emotion. ITS GAME TIME. Myfriend Bridget ditched her family to go with me to the frozen tundra to brave not just the cold, or the Packer fans, but the rediculousness that always occurs when the two of us get together. I want to say a an honest and sincer THANK YOU to the sacrifices that Bridget's family made so that she could go to the game with me. Not only did I disapoint my family by not being with them but Bridget dissapointed her, all to make me not celebrate Christmas alone with strangers. Oh, how when you think you've got it all together life gets topsy turvey. Its good to know I have freinds that know what commitment is...its one of the foundations in any relationship.

OK, so many of my favorite things to talk about happened Christmas Day. Bar-B-Q, taunting packerfans, live football, traveling, wining, clinching the division, dancing, running into friends you didn't think you'd see, seeing friends you hadn't in 6 years, meeting a number of people who take interest in you, being able to take interest in the most interesting one...and being able to say goodbye to it all because tommorrow, is another day.

To all of you I didn't get to talk to that night, I am sorry, I would have loved to share the experience with you, leaving voice mails is never the same as being able to just share but thirty seconds to sa, "Thanks for the good times, thanks for being in my life, on this day of family and love know that friends are the family we choose and that friedship and the part of you that you have shared with me is the greatest gift anyone could have asked for." The hardest part about xmas, loving those that can't return that gift.

Thank God! Christmas is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is so much to say, so much has gone on these past couple days. I had the wonderful privelege to have dinner while listening to christmas songs. And with whom? Some of the greatest people I have met from high school and Patrick and Doug (look I found another way to work you into a blog). Erika I love you... but you have to stop flirting with me. It makes me feel wierd, no , no it doesn't. Keep it up baby! Then I went to dance and live it up with Steve at Hunter's and danced and got many a drinks bought for us. How flattering.

Then there was Friday. What to say. I hate Rush and Division. A night meant to celebrate with family and friends gone wrong. I sat in a cab, alone and crying at 3:30 am. Anyone have $35?

Christmas eve, a sad, sad, day. I hate the fighting, I didn't want to do it. I wanted to hear you were happy, you were coming, and we would have fun. I hate the fighting. I am sorry. Went to Old St. Pats it was beautiful, so welcoming. I want to go back. I cried during the service, just emotional... I love to teachings of love that can come from a good sermon. Then we had a fabulous dinner at a Brazillian Steakhouse. I suggest doing once for the experience, but only once...for the checkbook. We then came home and sharred in family gift exchange, it was fun. Everyone did a great job. Very giving and very fun.

The greatest gift I got was from my friend Bridget. After explaining to her family my plans to be alone at the game for xmas she got them to let her go so she could go with me. I owe her and her family a million thanks, not alone for the Bears/Packers Game on Xmas. Best part, she's a Bears fan living in WI.

So...people actually read this.

My life, my love, has taken a turn. But we need to sway with the wind or risk breaking all together. Sometimes its just hard letting go...love is much like energy in that it never ceases in existence, it just changes forms. But with change can develop beautiful things... give a catapillar time and a cacoon and from it will emerge a this of beauty, a work of art. It was worth waiting for...wasn't it. Actualizing potential... of love...can I hang on, can I wait? How long can a heart wait 'til it dies? A broken heart may be broken, but its still there. And I need to know that. I guess I'm willing to share the pieces... anybody got a dustpan?

Hi Doug... I think you are my blog's biggest fan. No one ever comments so hi and thank you to anyone else who cares enough to wonder where my mind has gone and is going. It means alot.

I sit all dressed up to go out to a club where the women will be trying to snare unsuspecting prey and men will be trying to do the same. Yuk! I love gay bars. Its so safe and fun. If you haven't hungout at one... you have to try it. Its FABULOUS!!!!!