"I will fly the 7000 miles to Chicago to carry you to dinner...

...all you have to do is call. Try me, you will see. You have my word." Thats what I was told today by one of the guys I work with today. Ever since Marty left thing really changed. I would have to say most noticably is the, one lonliness, and by that I don't mean I am EVER alone. In fact, I don't get enough time to just myself. By lonliness I mean that I don't have that deep connection with anyone who can genuinely understand me, and I them...almost effortlessly. Silence now is never comfortable and it feels as if I'm always entertaining someone.

Secondly, I am getting alot of attention, advances, offers, invitations...from guys I meet, Military individuals, and even wierder, guys from work. Many guys I didn't know had any interest in me have now surfaced. What is it? I don't feel I'm making myself seem interested or available. Its the last thing I want. I suppose I dress a little better, do my makeup and hair, I've lost weight, but its all for me, genuinely. I could meet the man of my dreams right now and not only would I let him walk right by, but if he stopped me, hell if he threw himself at me I'd back away.

Its like they can all sense my distaste for vulnerability right now, so they want it. I think I seem angry, disdraught, busy, complicated, self absorbed, high maintenence, selfish...but somehow happy. And that attracts some people. Both to be in a realtionship with me... or just my friend. Do I exude some sort of neediness that these men want to fill? I have never seemed needy before, not to strangers. I mean, I am more than flattered, but...it so not what I want.

My friend Phil today said, "Meghan, you have half of this base wrapped around your little finger. You could get whatever you wanted." Having anything wrapped around your finger is never a secure position. Its just the constriction that holds it in place. No lock, knots, ties...promises...

Plus, with all my fingers tied up, heck even my toes...I couldn't have what I really want right now. A promise, a promise of the future, a goal, a direction... sharred.

Plus, who wants all their parts turning purple anyways?

It that you? Phewwww...you made it!

Ok, so if you are reading this you haven't died from the sick e-card you got, or the forwards about friendship and how meaningful yo are. Well, it's time to go back to what you really are...just a number.

I saw a movie yesterday, as I watched a million and one cheesy love movies that aired on Kuwaiti TV, out of a whole day of cliches I found one statement invigorating.

"The things you are scared of are usually the most worth while."

So, that lead me to think, what am I scared of? What am I missing out on that is so worth while. If tackling my fears is such a joyous adventure as this line leads me to believe, I hope I have one left.

For some reason I have two constants always in my thoughts. Fear and love. I obsess over trying to understand the two, define them, and I feel somehow they are very very closely related. Going through life accepting things as they are defined by others bores me.

I can say though my experience I have felt what it is like to know true fear... almost to a point of unrecoverable terror. It has caused me to see things I didn't want to see that weren't even there. It has caused me to not be able to sleep to the point that trying to self medicate with pills, to get one night of rest, brought me to nearly poisoning myself and ended up vomiting all night. It had caused me to numb any feeling or emotional sensation with alcohol which produced a personality all its own to protect who I really was. It had caused me to stop eating, pull away from friends, and created this disturbing social anxiety that still makes me nervous in crowded spaces. All from fear. This fear has subsided with just the tender care from loved ones and TIME.


I have had similar experiences with love lost. Copy previous paragraph and paste here.

So generally speaking, extreme fear and losing love have the same effects (on me atleast). There's a loss in innocence about the two of them that I have to sadly report. But, it the same time, I feel as though I have gained not just a greater understanding of myself, but other people, the world around me, and society as a whole. I feel closer to everyone I meet. Its like, my exerience has made me more empathitic and careful with the way I treat others.

It seems as though in both losing love and experiencing tremendous fear we can come to a greater clarity on life and its overall "true" importances. But only, and if only, we can take the time to mourn them, go though the stages of death almost, and recover completely.

I guess I'm obsessed with these two things, love and fear, because I find them as very strong teaching tools. But, you know what they say...those that can't do, teach.

So where does that leave me?

Boy, doesn't the cigarette make me look so EURO! (Cough, Hack, Cough)
Click here to start your own life sharring experience.

Merry Copsmas!
Click here to start your own life sharring experience.

Photos from Xmas!

So, I get this email from Doug wanting more photos so I am willing to make a deal. I will be willing to post more photos if...and only if you all (my prescious readers) send me one of you. Many of you I actually have photos of, but, if you are anything like me...there are alot of photosI hate of myself. So please send me a photo or photos. I have a little project that I'm doing. Just another thing to keep my sanity in the desert thanks.

Oh this pic was taken at Keara's birthday celebration with me, random santa cop, and Kelly. She's my brother's girlfriend. Whoo...whooo. Thats for you "Tug boat Kel".

Praha Photos - Prague

So here are some pics from my trip...finally. B ut here's me posing with the pine cone people in the band parade and then here is a shot of the suare where my mom and
i had the time of our lives. That was a great trip. More pics to come!

Back from the USSR

So, this blog is most likely going to be shallow, self absorbed, and substantially meaningless, but real fun.

Let me tell you about my trip to Bahrain for the SuperBowl!!! Well, I decided to join a group of my shift mates and day workers from the FD on a trip to Bahrain. A trip that was compareable to frozen oj you get from the frozen food secion of the store. Very concentrated, but, oh so sweet! We were only gone out of country for 26 hours but it felt like we were gone a week. Our first stop when we got to Bahrain…Duty Free! Then on to the hotel to sample our treasures and get dressed for the evening. I have to say, I looked cute, but only for myself, I was not up to hunting this evening though the bait was frsh and very much alive. We started off the eve by having dinner at the Hard Rock Café. Well, I had 5 chicken wings…extra hot and a few Miller Lights. We met the whole bar as we danced and entertained after we ate. We ade amny friends and are eagerly awaiting the pics that were promised to us by a nice Arab we befriended. Then we were off to find some dancing…I would not rest till I found a place to dance!

One of the members of our party, a quite gluttonous morbidly obese blonde young 20 something took off on his own to pursue a night of funded fornication, turns out he paid for three girls… who does that… who admits that! SICK!!! Anyways, we were tld where to go and when we got there the music sucked, so my sidekick of the night, my protector and I took off to see what the bar was that we passed on the way in. World…BEHOLD THE DESERT ROSE! Ok, so when I first walked in I felt unsure I belonged there. Upon turning the corner to enter the club I found 4 seductively dressed young women dancing on a stage and many empty chairs surrounding it. I exclaimed to my buddies, “I don’t think I belong here!” Forget that, they said. You’re getting a lap dance. It wasn’t a strip club, but probley the closest thing to it in the middle east. So we sat down, had a shot to calm my nerves, and smoked a cigar soaking in the moment. (Listening to Super Hero by ANi DiFranco…if you don’t know who she is check her out) I decided to go get the rest of our group and soon…it happened. Camp Arifjan FD took over the Desert Rose!

We began by dancing and moving the chairs, the guys got on the stage and danced, but quickly got kicked off. Shortly after I hear “Will Miss Meghan please join the girls on the stage.” Come on, you know what happens next right? I go up there, hello! You all know my insatiable need to dance on boxes, stages, bars, whatever I can. So I danced with my four Russian sisters of the evening and had one of the greatest times of my life. Everyone was dancing. I would join them in their dressing room in between sets like I was one of them and we’d order drinks and smoke cigarette’s while they changed. They told me about their lives back home and how it was rough working all the time. So my friends and I took them out after the bar closed and bought them drinks and food all night long. We will go back, we had a blast. Thank you Bahrain.

And the Thunder Rolls

I sit in my bed tonight at the firehouse typing. I feel like a candle at a ten year old’s birthday as I can hear the wind blowing against the tin roof that lays directly above my bed. For some reason tonight, there are tiles missing in what should be my ceiling so the rain, the thunder, the wind…the storm is so much closer than usual.

On the up & up…its getting warm here. Oh, and I’m not a tota lloss at electronics, I finally got my ipod to get the songs on it. I blame the ipod. Why? Cause who’s gonna stop me? None-the-less (listening to The Killers), I am trying to organize the medical situation at our department. I guess that’s one way to put off what I really should be doing… improving myself.

There are so many things right now that I want for myself. Where to start?
I need to work on certifications (Oooh… My Sharona!) both fire and medical, and that’s a means to an end. I need to get a job back home so I can start a life. I want to write a book…always, who doesn’t. I think I have a do-able concept, but I’ll need help. I’ll fill yall in later. I want to start a non-profit organization, I want to go back to school and get my MS as a Phycician’s Asst., oh yeah and somewhere in there sneek in time to have time to love and apprieciate my family and friends. Oh, and fairy godmother, if I’m good, can I meet someone who I can share all these things with?????

Sick!

Well, despite all my trivial wants and needs the world moves on without me, or with me. My mom lately has said to me let life happen… and the thunder rolls.