It that you? Phewwww...you made it!

Ok, so if you are reading this you haven't died from the sick e-card you got, or the forwards about friendship and how meaningful yo are. Well, it's time to go back to what you really are...just a number.

I saw a movie yesterday, as I watched a million and one cheesy love movies that aired on Kuwaiti TV, out of a whole day of cliches I found one statement invigorating.

"The things you are scared of are usually the most worth while."

So, that lead me to think, what am I scared of? What am I missing out on that is so worth while. If tackling my fears is such a joyous adventure as this line leads me to believe, I hope I have one left.

For some reason I have two constants always in my thoughts. Fear and love. I obsess over trying to understand the two, define them, and I feel somehow they are very very closely related. Going through life accepting things as they are defined by others bores me.

I can say though my experience I have felt what it is like to know true fear... almost to a point of unrecoverable terror. It has caused me to see things I didn't want to see that weren't even there. It has caused me to not be able to sleep to the point that trying to self medicate with pills, to get one night of rest, brought me to nearly poisoning myself and ended up vomiting all night. It had caused me to numb any feeling or emotional sensation with alcohol which produced a personality all its own to protect who I really was. It had caused me to stop eating, pull away from friends, and created this disturbing social anxiety that still makes me nervous in crowded spaces. All from fear. This fear has subsided with just the tender care from loved ones and TIME.


I have had similar experiences with love lost. Copy previous paragraph and paste here.

So generally speaking, extreme fear and losing love have the same effects (on me atleast). There's a loss in innocence about the two of them that I have to sadly report. But, it the same time, I feel as though I have gained not just a greater understanding of myself, but other people, the world around me, and society as a whole. I feel closer to everyone I meet. Its like, my exerience has made me more empathitic and careful with the way I treat others.

It seems as though in both losing love and experiencing tremendous fear we can come to a greater clarity on life and its overall "true" importances. But only, and if only, we can take the time to mourn them, go though the stages of death almost, and recover completely.

I guess I'm obsessed with these two things, love and fear, because I find them as very strong teaching tools. But, you know what they say...those that can't do, teach.

So where does that leave me?