Like sand through the hourglass...

so is my patience with this place.

I have lately been picked on...alot. Not in a joking way, not in a silly friendly way, but in a manner filled with the insecurity of others and ignorance enough to smother any intrest left to be here. As the people I have cared for have left so too has my passion lost its fuel to burn here. Friends move out, friends move away, friends move home, friends move on...

I am left with just my smoldering self, no flame exists. Just heat enough to recognise that at one time...the passion was strong. But, don't count me out. I am still dangerous, and brilliant...in the right situation. It could be more fuel in the form of progress here, perhaps the fresh air of a new friend, it could be the chemical reaction with another to cause a re-ignition...but I am still warm, alone.

Other captains have tried to "teach me lessons" or make me do thing because of "the principal" of things. But, they don't understand me, what I do, how I help, what my role is, or who I am...cause they never cared. All they see now is Meghan w/o Marty. When I was Meghan with Marty no one gave me undue trouble. I mean, I had Capt numb nuts for 6 mos. but no one gave me a hard time. But now, I am more active in the department, more vocal, burning with emptiness from what my life was to now is... I have done more good. And have been subject to more intolerance.

Let me give examples as my bland decriptions of how I feel don't convey whats going on...a finger painting holds no candle to the Mona Lisa...even if the finger painting has eyebrows.

I was yelled as presumtiously after confronting a captain who had singled me out to not get a car because (to make a long story short) I was not a team player. What he saw was me taking off in a car one morning, by myself after work. "That sneaky broad!" he must have thought. "How selfish, I'll teach her a lesson". While minutes before I was approached by a guy on the other shift who asked me if I would do just that...it seems someone had spilled booze inside the car the night before and it reeked, he and I agreed, no wanted anyone else getting in trouble. I was asked not to tell my shiftmates either. So there she was...that bitch...taking off alone in a car, only to go home and clean it for two hours to save the hide of an unknown co worker. I got no thanks...just warm glares on the back of my neck for a week...but never in the face.

Next, I drove in to work and it was a great morning. My routine of getting to work an hour & 1/2 early to do 1 hour of cardio wakes me up, gets me in a good mood, and makes me feel better about myself. But that spirit died 5 min after role call. I was told by three different captains (too many chiefs, too few indians) to go wash the car. I remember it being clean this morning when I got in it at the gym. Wow, I feel bad, so I thought. I walked up to the captain taking the car home (let me paint a pic for you...this guy has tatoos to his wrists, pierced ears, is just fugly, and is about 75 lbs over weight, when we go to the gym, he goes to the library, welcome to the world of Chad). I hold the keys out to give them to him, he scoffs,"I don't want them". "Do you really want your car washed, Chad?" As I walk up I see 6 dead bug spots on it. I think its a joke, or the asshole who confronted me earlier was just being a prick. He's the one who habded me the keys to go wash it, he had no reason to have the keys, he had nothing to do with the car. I come to find out there was some pow wow about taming the rebellious girl. Yeah, piss off. Anyways, I pick up the 100ft of hose I just recently purchased for the FD and the $25 nozzle and begin to sing out loud, "I am washing a clean car, with my own hose and nozzle...and everyone thinks this is fine. You all stand around me as I'm washing and scrubbing oh what a good girl am I?" Then my hero, captain, friend Phil comes up as they all stand around and says why is she washing a clean car. Chad the piece of white trash...did I mention his collection of Nazi memorobilia or the confederate flag tatoos??? say, "It's about the principle." They stare, I scrub, I splash they stare and what could be going through their heads as Phil tells me he's going to wash the car...out of principle. "Meghan, go check your pack, this is stupid I'll finish." So I turn over my tools and go on with my regular shift work. I can see out the truck window now, their faces, gnarled. "What the fuck, where's she going? Phil, why isn't she washing the car?" I can read these things darting off their lips as the pressure bell on my airpack rings out in opposition. As Phil points out their idocracy the crowd disperses, they get in their cars, and they leave.

Assholes!I may have not taken my hose off the wall and put it back in my room and asked them what do you want me to wash your car with...but I did sneak back later and steal back my $25 nozzle!

But today, and everyday, maybe to escape more crap, maybe to say thanks to Phil. I come in, I smile, I lend them towels, I share my food, I pull extra work...but you better bet your ass I write down everything they do that is wrong. Date, time, who, what, where, why, how...the pen will always be mightier than the hose!